days like today make me wonder. I get in these moods where I wonder what I am going to regret 5 or 10 years from now and what I will be thankful. I wonder if I will have wished for a different career choice, or if I will realize what would have been the correct path. I wonder if I will be lonely, or if I will be married and happy. I wonder where I will be living and what I will be doing. When I wake up in the morning, what will I look forward to for that day? I dont know. Im in this weird contemplative mood. Honestly? Im lonely. Im sick of being alone, and I just wonder when I am going to meet someone that knocks me off my feet.

The other day I was talking to my mom at lunch about all my friends and how many of them have recently broken up with boyfriends. We got on the subject of how funny and ironic it is how one day someone is "wonderful and perfect" and little do you know that someday down the line that same person is horrible and awful. My mom asked me if I realized that about Brad. I told her that I did. That my head knew better, and perhaps even my heart knew better as well. I know hes garbage and I know that he wasn't for me...or any woman for that matter, but...I put my finger on what it was that he did do for me. Brad and I had that spark that no one has done for me just yet. When I hung out with Brad, I knew that he would make me laugh. I knew that we would have a good time no matter where we were and what we were doing. I knew that regardless he would keep me entertained. When it boils down to it...he was exciting. Life was exciting with him next to me. He always made me laugh and when I step back and look at it, I like that. I want someone who teases and plays back...I haven't met anyone like that yet. But at the same time, my mom made the point that people with those personality traits often have other "bad" traits that go hand in hand with them. My youth and inexperience and hope in the goodness of the world wants me to believe that cannot be all true, but as I have slowly come to learn, my mom is usually right about...well, everthing. So shes probably right about this as well. Maybe those types of guys dont exist. I keep saying it over and over, but I wish I could take all the great qualities of Brad and all the great qualities of Peter and throw them together into one man for me. THat would be the perfect man for me. At least I think it would be. Maybe he's out there. But, what scares me is...what if he's not. Perhaps I will grow up to be one of those powerhouse successful women but never have love. I dont want that. I have realized the closer and closer that I get to my career goals and educational goals that having all the success and money in the world doesnt mean jack if you don't have someone to share it with. I dont want that. I want to be happy. I want to be happy WITH someone.
You know, I was thinking to myself about my life 2 years ago. 2 years ago I was at AR and could have sworn to you that I probably would never make good friends. Id be a loser forever. Now that I have everything I have: my awesome roommates, a great social life, (sorority to thank for it all), i realize that, Yes, everything really does happen for a reason. If I had gone to CSUS right off the bat I most likely would not have joined a sorority, or if I had, perhaps it wouldn't have been alpha chi, or if I had I probably wouldn't still be in it, or would not have been able to graduate in four years because if all my four years had been like this past one....I would have failed a TON of classes. So Im glad things went the way they did...because if they hadn't everything wouldn't have worked out the way it has now. And i like the way everything is now..but if you had asked me three years ago if I was happy with the way things were going? no....depressed I would say. Unhappy and angry. But...sigh, hindsight is always 20/20 vision they say. So, who knows, maybe one day when I look back at now I will be able to say, hey if things hadn't gone that way I wouldn't be where I am now, and I like right now. So the loneliness was worth it. Just how now I say..."the shitty-ness of AR was worth it"......

Guess I won't find out till I get there.

Hawaii in 35 days. Thank. Freaking. God.

                                        Ode to my Best Friend...

So I was dorking around online (once again) and happened to come across this snippet which after reading it made me laugh...and the reason is because I have the BEST best-friend a girl could ask for. for each one of the things mentioned in here, I could imagine a time when I did such...made me realize that Im such a girl....LOL....but anyways, thought I'd post it as an ode to my best friend....Thanks for putting up with me.....

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think
I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

You don't know
What you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try, anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try, anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

                                                   Hello, My Name is:
                                                           Pathetic.
                                                    What's yours?

So growing up and throw my teenage years I've never been one to have that high of self-confidence to start out with. I have a lot of insecurities. Sometimes, people are suprised to hear that because Im so loud and boisterous its automatically asummed that Im confident. Not so. Im actually not. Well, getting on with the point. Yes, it has gotten stronger throughout the years due to certain factors. Loretto being one of them, Sorority being the other. But tonight, the small amount of self-confidence that I had gained over the past two semesters was slammed onto the floor.
Here's the break down:

Every fall, the TKE's hold a philanthropy called "Rent-A-Greek" where you can bid on other greeks that offer themselves up to be auctioned. Shannon and I thought this would be fun to be autioned off together so we said, "why not!" Well we get there tonight and were supposed to go 5th. But....for some reason, got put last at the list. I already knew this was going to be bad because let's face it. A bunch of drunk people in a room bidding on 13 hot girls before us. yeah...no one is going to even pay attention to who's last. But regardless, the point is, we get up there and we were the lowest running bid. It was the most shameful public display of my life. Truly. I know, maybe I'm being a baby about it. But....like I said, the little bit of self confidence I had...is gone. Completely. Afterwards like 5 people came up to us and were like "oh you were shafted because they said it was intermission so like hella people weren't paying attention...blah blah"
Honestly, that stuff makes me feel even worse. I know they were trying to comfort us. And now I just feel like Im getting pity talk. Is that how sad and pathetic I am? I have to have people pity me? I mean, ok seriously...I know Im not a "hot babe" or anything. But am I honestly that ugly or what is it??!?! I dont know. All I know is it was sad. And im embarrased. Majorly. Whatever. What can you do right? just take it like grace under fire and move on I suppose. And PS Thanks to Chris D. because you were sweet enough to buy us, since no one else would. Love you Chris.